Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Hitting on Girls in Bookstores: A How To - Part Two

This is the second part in a series of Hitting on Girls in Bookstores: A How To. Click here for Part One.


The Approach: A Definitive Guide to Aisle-Stalking Your Potential Significant Other... That Could Lead to Mind-Blowing Sex.

Part II: Aisle-Stalking

Aisle-stalking is exactly what it sounds like; you're following them up and down the rows of books hoping they'll take notice of you (in a way that won't involve being pepper sprayed like a UC Davis student). Could this person be into you? Are they checking you out because they're into you? Or are they looking over their shoulder because some freak is following them? Hopefully this part of the guide will clear up any confusion you might have.

The Easiest Way to Tell if Someone is Trying to Bookmark Your Heart (Checking You Out):

They are peering at you from behind a book. Let's use some logic here: they should be reading the fucking book. If they were really reading the book and were really interested in it then they wouldn't be looking at your peek-a-boo spots at all. If they're making eye contact? Then you're about to have intense coitus (that's Latin for banging).

Three Extra Easy Ways to Tell if She's Into You:
  • She walks past you more then three times (you are being aisle-stalked).
  • She asks you if a book is any good (this is the verbal equivalent of a hand-job for the literary person).
  • She open mouth kisses you (not likely to happen).

Three Extra Easy Ways to Tell if He's Into You:
  • He keeps looking at you.
  • He keeps looking at you.
  • He keeps fucking looking at you*.

It really is that easy. But... there are several observations that need to be made before the person is approached.
  • Pay attention to what books they're picking up or carrying around with them. Make a mental note on all of them. You may need them for conversation later, and for things to yell during sex ("Oh my God I love Suzanne Collins too! I'm almost there! Jonathan Strange!").
  • Are they drinking coffee and sauntering about? Then they plan to be there for a while. You can relax knowing that you have time to apply this guide to them.
  • Did they come in with anyone? If they came in alone you're in good shape. If not forget it.
  • Are they wearing a neat hat? People who wear neat hats are cool.
After applying these questions to your Potential Soulmate** you'll have a distinct advantage over any other gentleman callers.

Are you ready to approach the person now? You might be but you aren't. We need to avoid any messy stabbings accidents that might occur. It hurts to get rejected. Or to find out later that the person you're hitting on is bat shit insane. This leads us to...

Part II-ish: Where to Aisle-Stalk

You have to shop for your New Potential Interest by book section. This is critical. That girl looking at the calendars? Yeah. She's a complete nutball. You know how I know that? NOBODY BUYS CALENDARS IN A BOOKSTORE (that's why they're always in the bargain bin--and the bargain bin shoppers are not the sanest, either). Girls, you see that guy checking out the manga? COMPLETE LOSER (he's reading manga, duh).

If there is one thing that needs repeating it's this: FICTION LEADS TO FRICTION. The best place in the bookstore to meet anyone is in the fiction section. It's often the largest section and more people shop in it than anywhere else in the store (this will make following the person easier). Also, people who read fiction tend to be normal. Cat calendar owners tend not to be normal. Below is a breakdown of where to meet someone in the bookstore and whether or not you should approach.


Untitled document
SECTION
EXPLANATION
LEVEL OF DANGER
History
This person will be great at Jeopardy.
No danger. Approach.
Romance
This person is probably into roll playing. You will have mind-blowing sex.
Slight danger. Approach at your own risk.
Young Adult
They’re underage. Turn around before Chris Hansen from MSNBC pops out from behind a display.
Large amounts of dangerous.
Psychology
They’ll probably want to talk about your mother. Do you like your mother? Exactly.
Very dangerous. Emotionally unapproachable.
Fiction
Fiction leads to friction.
No danger. Approachable.
Science
Your bookstore has a science section? Where are you? Europe?
N/A. Go to a brothel you European bastards.
Religion
Nooooooooopppppeeeee.
Unapproachable.
Magazines
This person is almost out the door. You should have approached them in the young adult section, pervert.
No danger. Unapproachable.
That's it for Part Two. Hopefully you have a keen understanding of how to aisle-stalking someone now and what to look for. Stay tuned for The Approach Part II: First Impressions & Pickup Lines... That Could Lead to Mind-Blowing Sex which is Part III of Hitting on Girls in Bookstores: A How To.


*He's freakin' into you, already. Ask him if he's read the book you're holding.
**Why have just one soulmate? Sure, shoes come in pairs, but doesn't everyone own more then one pair of shoes?

9 comments:

  1. i'm completely borrowing some of your one-liners. and also the phrase "peek-a-boo spots."

    i have so many things to say, so many. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you (feel free to use all of them). I seem to be having issues with formatting this morning, I apologize for how yellow everything was.

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  3. i liked the yellow. i WILL use them all. my last name is tart, after all.

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  4. Oh Adam.. you make me want to pee my pants! (and that's a good thing)

    "Oh my God I love Suzanne Collins too! I'm almost there! Jonathan Strange!" - hahahahahaaaa

    I have never bought a calendar in a bookstore. Thank god.

    P.S. not ALL peeps in the Young Adult section are underage! *hint hint*

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  5. Yeah, but you can never be too sure about their age (all guys are secretly paranoid about this). I really just wanted to make a "Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell" reference as I love the book.

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  6. you should also mention to girls in bookstores that you like to organize your thoughts in graph form.

    because let me tell you right now.

    that is AWESOME.

    pie charts are also acceptable.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I love pie! And pie charts! I might make one.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Yeah, people shopping in the YA section can be tricky. Unless you're up for picking up the mom's of the young people. ;)

    ReplyDelete

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