Friday, November 25, 2011

Hitting on Girls in Bookstores: A How To - Part One

I've been approached by some tweeps (that's Twitter people in internet lingo) to write about how to pick up girls in bookstores. I figure I should write something since "how to hit on the bookstore girl" is the number one search term for reaching this blog.

The very first rule is: don't hit on the cute bookstore girl. She's an employee and gets it all the time. I know she looks hot in her smock while she stocks the new books, but this guide is for hitting on the person that shops at the bookstore. That way if you screw up the chances of running into them again are slim and you can still shop there.

The best part about this guide is that you don't have to be a reader. Matter-a-factly: you can be really fucking illiterate and still pick someone up after reading this guide. If you are illiterate and you are reading this guide then I assume... wait. Let's just get started, damn it.

Hitting on anyone is easy. Conversation with a bookish person is more difficult. That makes conversation more important than The Approach. It needs to be covered first so you have a good understanding of what to talk about after hitting on the person.

Part I: Topics of Conversation


So, you both like books and are both in a bookstore so you figure you can mosey on over to your eye candy and start talking about literature, right? WRONG. You can't. In the United States alone over 280,000 books were published last year. You think you've both read the same books but you haven't. Thank freedom of speech for that one and keep smacking yourself on the head for not letting republican congressmen hold more book burnings.

So what does one converse about with the person they're currently aisle-stalking? That'll be easy with The Five Fail Safe Topics of Conversation You Can Have in a Bookstore That Could Lead to Mind-Blowing Sex that I have outlined below.

The Five Fail Safe Topics of Conversation You Can Have in a Bookstore That Could Lead to Mind-Blowing Sex:

  1. Claim to be an avid reader. It doesn't matter that the last book you read was ten years ago in high school. What matters is that you have the mindset of a reader. This means you love reading. I meet people all the time who just love to read but haven't read a book in a year. They consider themselves readers and gosh damn it you are too. The chances of you both having read the same books in high school are extremely close so go with those. It'll seem like fate when it turns out that you both read Shakespeare in English class so long ago. 
  2. Read Twilight if you're a guy. That's right. You have to read all of Twilight. A majority of girls have read Twilight and love it. This is an easy in and will give you a subject to talk about. If she's Team Edward then you're Team Jacob and vice versa. You want to disagree with her so you can have a nice back and forth instead of her just walking off because you both agree that Jacob is Bella's one and only. If she's not a fan of Twilight call Edward a pedophile (he's 107-years-old and dates an 18-year-old). If she laughs at that call Jacob a pedophile because he falls in love with a baby in Breaking Dawn. Is she still laughing? Then talk about how everyone in the book is a pedophile except for the cop father who is completely inept at catching all the pedophiles running around the town. If she doesn't know anything about the books go to step three.
  3. Read Harry Potter if you're a girl or a guy. Everyone has read Harry Potter. Even the people who claim to hate it have seen the movies. This is another easy in book that you can discuss. Watch the movies if you want to cheat, just be aware that the movies leave out a lot. Use this magical line if you've only seen the movies and are faking your love of all things Potter: "I love the books but the movies just leave out so much." The Potterhead WILL go on a rant and start pointing out the key differences between the two. There. Done. Now sit back and listen to them talk about the damn books they got tricked into reading. Congratulations, you're one more step closer to getting into their Hogwarts.
  4. Recommend The Catcher in the Rye. Are they holding a book? Great. Walk up to them and tell them if they like that book and haven't read The Catcher in the Rye yet then they should. It doesn't matter what book they're holding; The Catcher in the Rye is like the Kevin Bacon of the lit-universe. The best part is that just about every reader has read it and has an opinion on the book. If you haven't read it yet you can read the Wikipedia article on it. You should take either of these two stances on the book depending on what the other person picks: 
    • "Holden Caulfield is an immature little douche of a lit character." 
    • "Holden Caulfield is a brilliant, but troubled, immature little douche of a lit character."
  5. Mention that you love Reading Rainbow. Repeat after me: "LeVar Burton got me into reading. He is my personal hero. I follow him on Twitter." Using this line will give off the vibe that you are friendly to all races and have had a somewhat stable childhood.*
There you have it. The Five Fail Safe Topics of Conversation You Can Have in a Bookstore That Could Lead to Mind-Blowing Sex. Next week I'll discuss The Approach: A Definitive Guide to Aisle-Stalking Your Potential Significant Other... That Could Lead to Mind-Blowing Sex.

*EXTREME WARNING: Using this line on men will cause them to get extreme boners (not just regular ones). Using this line on women will cause their underwear to immediately fall off. After using this line both of you WILL end up banging in the Barnes & Noble restroom. Don't forget to wear a condom.



22 comments:

  1. Bahahaaaa this is awesome. Thanks for creating this when I so graciously asked ;-) pretty sure "getting in to their Hogwarts" was my fave line.

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  2. Your compliments are--as always--appreciated. I really do have a part two lined up and it is really titled "he Approach: A Definitive Guide to Aisle-Stalking Your Potential Significant Other... That Could Lead to Mind-Blowing Sex".

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  3. This totally made my day! I agree with Ginger: "getting into their Hogwarts" was the best line.

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  4. Hilarious - retweeting now. Thanks for the laughs.

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  5. i never love my husband more than when we geek over Harry Potter (or, in our extreme nerdiness, Game of Thrones).

    well done, Adam.

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  6. Thanks Lorenda!

    Thank you, Lisa. I was thinking about including Lord of the Rings in the list but I wanted to keep it short.

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  7. For Lord of the Rings, one only needs to express dismay about how Tom Bombaril and Old Man Willow were both left on the cutting room floor of the movies and lament about the effects of Hollywood on literary classics. If that doesn't get you instant nerd lit status, then nothing will.

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  8. James, I think the cutting of Tom Bombaril and Old Man Willow from the movie were good things. Call it blasphemy, but some things that work in a book don't work in a movie.

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  9. *snicker* well, it looks like you've really thought about this...

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  10. I would rather not date anyone and die alone on a piss stained old matress, than ever subject myself to Twilight or Harry Potter (these are children's books, yes?). And Reading rainbow? Really? More kid stuff. Is the American female really that addled?

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    1. Yep twilight and harry potter are "kid's stuff" but the generation that grew up reading them is now in their 20's and this article is primarily targeted towards them . Make sense?

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  11. This is hilarious.

    And yes, the "getting into their Hogwarts" line was gold.

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  12. This was great! Although bookstores are hard to come by where I live, and I'm married, I think these are great pointers for a male looking to pick up a chick in a bookstore. Twilight and HP are very sure ways of creating a conversation. Everyone has something to say about either. :)

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    1. Bookstores are hard to come by here as well. I live 30 minutes from the nearest one, but it's always worth the drive.

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  14. This is totally true. I successfully hit on a girl at the beach in Nice, France (as an American) because she was reading Twilight and I was able to strike up a conversation. Next up for guys, if you haven't already, should be Hunger Games and 50 Shades of Grey. It works.

    Have you read, "Berating Others On Your Way to a Lifetime of Happiness: That, and Dating Around the World"? It's self-published, and not by Lauren Oliver, but you'll see that a lot of first-time authors are bypassing traditional publishing houses because of the MUCH lower margins and antiquated marketing methods.

    Check out the reviews! http://www.amazon.com/Berating-Others-Lifetime-Happiness-ebook/dp/B008GHRYQM

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  15. I have to completely disagree with your first rule -- my husband and I met in a bookstore. I was the employee, he was the boy who hit on me. And it worked -- we've been happy together for eight years now! So, not all bookstore employee girls are off-limits ;-)

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  16. Trying to get her personal info or force an early meeting will backfire. It will make you look desperate and creepy. Christian Hudson

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